Here are some things that are going on. For one, I am not running now and that is sort of disappointing. I feel that I just don’t have time in my day unless I started running at night, but I don’t want to do that. I could potentially run at 5:30 in the am, but I can’t go to bed before 12:30 since I have to lock the study center at night. Once student teaching is over, I imagine I will put it back into my schedule. Although I’ve changed some of my motivation for running, which hopefully will help me do it for the right reasons only: the love of sports and outdoors.
Recently, I’ve been trying to grab meals with friends on the fringe our friendship and keep those relationships intact. It’s a cool idea, and is actually very rewarding. I’ve been visiting some of my ed school friends’ classrooms lately too just so I can see the people that I’ve worked with for three years in action. I’ve also my fair share of movies lately. The Darjeeling Limited was superb, I thought, and I also like Across The Universe. Chocolat is a very profound movie, and I really think I need to see Wayne’s World, just to be on the opposite end of the spectrum every once in a while. Kate Daughrill has thrown two events called “The Makers Series” where local artists of all persuasions come in and talk about their artwork, then open the floor for questions. These things get my brain running at about 1000 mph.
November. November is back, and you might recall that out of the twelve months, it ranks in as number 11 on my list, next to you know who. Thanksgiving, wet leaves and rain were just never high on my list of things I enjoy. I’ve simply had bad memories from this month in the past, and that certainly colored my perception of it. For some reason, and maybe for the first time in my life, I am actually looking forward to thanksgiving – I have no idea why! Also, it has been maybe seven years since I was really excited about things getting cold. I just want winter to be here because I am tired of warm weather. Man! This is just not me. I don’t think I’ve ever been of that opinion before in my adult years.
Dreams. For those of you who know me, you know that I love dreams and I have crazy lucid dreams on a somewhat regular basis. I really don’t believe that mine are any more lucid than most people’s. I think the thing is that I, for some reason, have the ability to remember them more vividly than most people when I wake up. This, I believe, is also in conjunction with how light a sleeper I am. Well, for the last three months, pretty much since August, I have had only one or two dreams vivid enough for me to consider writing down. I can go weeks without having a single one. Strange?
Now for a different question: Has anyone ever experienced the sublime? I think I’ve experienced it maybe once or twice. And you know when you see it. It’s terror and/or astonishment unlike any other emotion possible on earth – not to be taken lightly. I’ve been reading some essays on Romanticism and Consciousness and have a lot of new ideas about the four states of consciousness that we come in and out of, as well more information on the difference between the beautiful and the sublime. The Romantic Vision is one of redemption, but it always comes with a cost. And that cost is the destruction of the social self, which might possibly explain the next part of my life:
I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist, and I do have hypomania. And I don’t mind putting this out in the open because my friends and people who know me already know and believe that there is nothing wrong with me. I have sort of stumped the guy – he doesn’t understand why I have such high elevated moods without ever experiencing a low. It is confusing. If I was bipolar or had cyclothymic disorder, I would be experiencing the opposite sides of this thing. But I’m not. Additionally, most manic patients don’t admit they they have a problem because for the most part they are not aware of their problem. For me, however, I was completely aware of the problem and even wanted to get it checked out. All of this makes me think that chemicals, although they certainly play a role in what I am experiencing, are not the source of the problem here. The doctor still says the source of the problem is unknown. But is it?